i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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