I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
