Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
