Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
