I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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