I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
