I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
