There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
