I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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