Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
