I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
