someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
