She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
