he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
