He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I need a beard to bite.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
