Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I believe in your delicious
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
