Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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