A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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