My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I checked into jail on foursquare
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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