Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
