There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
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