sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
