if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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