dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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