things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
