Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
