I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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