Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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