saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
