I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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