I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
