Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
