why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
