Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
