what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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