Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
