My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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