Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Send help, water and tortillas.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
