Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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