T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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