My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
