I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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