I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
