Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
