Someone shit on the floor
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
