do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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