I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
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