either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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