Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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