how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
