I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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